Diamonds n depression (Prt2) i am not a strong black woman
Greetings, my Fellow Dreamers and Lovers. Happy Monday. Was your weekend fabulous? Though I am still dealing with dark clouds, I was able to see a couple of rainbows peeking through. Despite the infrequent crying spells, I had a wonderful weekend. It has been 2.5 weeks since the sadness began. I was expecting to return to my happy mode by now. But it feels like I am only halfway there. Since My sadness is caused by specific events, I was expecting the pain to heal, as time goes by. Either time is not going fast enough, or I am expecting too much, too soon.
The entire week I was immobile. With my curtains and laptop closed to the world, and slept, my favorite form of escapism. I gave my pain all the needed attention so I can be fully charged to work on Monday. Well, at least that was my intentions.
I woke on this beautiful Monday, ready to power thru the day. But the first thing on my mind was the sad "circumstances". I refuse to let that be the main thought of my morning. So I consciously switched to.a positive attitude, and started my day. But I only got half of my To-Do List done. It takes a lot of energy to consciously stay positive and motivated all day. The Moxie-Two-Years-Ago would have forced herself to put in a full days work. Her mental health and feelings would have been put on the back burner, as she lived up to the strong-black-woman narrative. Holding back the tears, ignoring the headaches, sweeping feelings under the rug. Today, I am a different Moxie.
The maintaining, replenishing, and repairing of my soul is first priority. When I am hurt, I don´t want to to be strong. I want to be supported, taken care of....seen. And it all starts with me. Alot of people take off work when they have a sick family member. But I dont have a partner, nor a child. I only got me. And I have decided to be gentle with my soul. It´s wounded, and needs time to recover.