Hey, Girl...Heeeey!!!!

"If I don´t lie, they will be angry with me. If I do lie, god will hate me." Thats what I wrote in my diary exactly six years before taking this picture. I remember because I just-so- happen to find an old diary, as I looked for shoes to wear for this party. Head down, ass up...I am rummaging thru the junk shoved under my bed. The last time I saw the show was three concerts ago. I had taken them off, as soon as I got off the stage. They were in my arms, when I got into the taxi. The third Martini had apparently decided I wasnt going to remember what happen to my shoes after leaving the club. But I digress...

Right before finding the shoe, I found my diary. Just out of curiosity, I wanted to see what I had been doing on this same day, before my new life. The journal showed it was a sad day. I didnt make my field service quota (field service: to go door to door, preaching the Bible) of sixty hours for the month. I HATED walking up to strangers´ houses; interrupting their day, and preaching to them. It was the end of the month, and time to turn in my recorded field-service- hours to the elders. I was so distraught bc i had only preached twelve hours that month. And i was contemplating lying about my preaching time, so they wouldnt be mad at me. The elders would tell me parents, and my parents would be livid! But if I lied, then god would hate me....

I felt so sad for the Karmen I was reading about in my journal. She had endured so much heartache, abuse, and no love for herself. Getting ready for the party, I cried for her. I didnt want to go to a birthday party feeling depressed. But As much as I tried to shake the feeling, I couldn´t.

Fast forward to the birthday party...I stepped out of my Uber looking fabulous, though I wasnt feeling it. Then a clown walked up to me, and handed me a glass of wine. I was so confused. A CLOWN?? At a gala-themed birthday party? "The little girl is still alive, though she is all grown up. So I decided to have a party for the BOTH of me." The birthday girl told me. Wow, what a concept.

The reason I was still upset about something that happened six years earlier was because I never allowed myself to process the pain. I was always told to get-over-it...because it was the past. So I fooled myself into thinking thats what i did. But in actuality, I was just sweeping my pain under the rug. From that night of the birthday party, I decided to stop ignoring the prior Karmen. Give her time to process her sadness. Allow her to Live because she still existed.

Women tend to hold onto feelings longer than men. AND IT´S OKAY. We are created differently, and everyone heals differently. Getting older, or getting married..or having kids doesn´t mean the person you were before is gone. Go find her. Say "Hey, girl, Heeey!".

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