Updated: Aug 24
The worse hurt I ever received from Love was when I left cult, which meant leaving my relatives. I left, but my heart remained. In my mind I knew I did the right thing, because Their love was based on how devoted I was to the cult, and its beliefs. Since conditional- love is the kind I´m familiar with, I tend to trust the wrong person; and hurt the right ones. Eventually, I subconsciously built a wall around my heart. But these past couple of years, gradually I began to trust love again. How? By learning to trust myself first.
I was looking for someone to fill the giant hole in my heart, where my family used to be. I needed a mom, dad....I had no more friends, nor community. So every person met, got the impossible task of feeling that void. Some tried, of course, because they loved me. Some took advantage of my need. Either way, it was a recipe for a toxic relationship. Eventually, one or both of us would get hurt. After so many failed relationships (boyfriends, friends, acquaintances) I began to believe that I was not worthy of love. But as worked on myself, I began to realise my value is solely up to for me to decide. The promises I´ve kept to myself reveals how much I trust me. Maintaining a healthy spir
itual, physical balance speaks volumes about my self love. At the time, I wasnt treating myself with the love I deserved. Instead, I was looking for someone else to do it for me.
It was a tough pill to swallow, but the love I was searching for in others, I had to give it to myself. The nurturing love, based on who i am and not based on religious beliefs, suppose to had came from my parents. The support system needed to encourage me, and not judge me based on religious beliefs, suppose to came from my community. But I had to find it within me, to love me they way they didn´t. The very night understood this fact, I broke down and cried. I was alone in the world, and I didnt believe I was enough. But everything I needed was ALWAYS in me. I just had to learn how to ignite the light.
No one is 100 percent "fixed". Every human comes into a new relationship with baggage. And we all start relationships with a need or desire that we want fulfilled. Sometimes we are looking for companionship, friendship, or a sense of community. Our relationship has a better chance if both parties understands their value. How can we expect others to treat us kindly, if we are not willing to treat ourselves kindly? Are we not the first person obligated to us?
I am not saying I was abusive to myself. But i wasnt treating myself with the love and care Karmen needed. Parents are the first people to teach us about relationships. My parents loved me "because of what I did". I learned to love myself "no matter what I did." Replacing unconditional love, with self-love is an ENDLESS task that Ive managed over the years. It has also been the most rewarding thing Ive ever done for myself.
In conclusion, the first step to learning how to trust again is by learning to trust yourself first. We build that trust by focusing on repairing and nurturing ourselves mentally and physically. Specifically for me, I had to stop letting myself down, and keep the promises I made to me. If we can´t be trust ourselves, we certainly cant expect to trust others. When we trust others, before learning to trust ourself, we hold that person accountable for the responsibilities that are actually our own. But this is just my personal experience. I´d love to hear your thoughts. Kisses, my Foxy Moxie´s.