She's never dead. She's dormant and always ready to launch into action, at any given moment. I am not necessarily ashamed of her. But she was created As a self-defense mechanism years ago. She was part of my strong-black-woman saga. I confused "being strong" with "ignoring trauma". As I quietly suffered from PTSD, Karmegeddon forged full speed ahead thru the pain; defending herself against predators; and made sure nothing hindered her from survivng.
Despite all of my accomplishments (escaping a cult, traveling to over 30 countries, starting an ENTIRELY new life in Russia... the list goes on.) I couldn't live completely in the moment.
I always felt like I was watching a movie of my life and not a part of it. I was going through the motions, without feeling the emotions. Fully aware that I was leading a fantastic, fabulous life. And I tried so many times to be in the here and now. But I couldn't grasp the concept. I was surviving instead of living.
Karmegeddon was a protection that allowed me to experience the world without being a part of it. She was developed when I was in the cult.
Being in a cult made me stand out like a sore thumb. And the world was not kind to those who were extremely different. I was bullied, harassed, and lived a very deprived life of genuine love. I would not have been able to survive without Karmegeddon. When I left the cult, I subconsciously continued to live under her wing. Her protection was definitely needed for a lonely girl navigating her way through the world alone.
In the past few years, I have learned to live, no longer just surviving. And Karmegeddon began her transition into hibernation. However, I've noticed that when I am placed in an environment where I feel unsafe, she's easily awaken. I feel like I have no control over her once she is fully conscience. The best thing to do is remove myself from situations, relationships, anything that will disturb her somber.
Everyone has a beast within, I believe.
Maybe some of us aren't as familiar with that part of ourselves. Not many people have had to fight for literal survival on their own. They've never had to swim thru water infested sharks alone, with no one to trust.
Despite knowing her intimately I've yet to tame her. I don't miss her. I will ALWAYS have an undying loyalty and love for her. But I prefer she remains asleep. Her rest is well deserved.