The Soft Life has made me hard
Luxury and Love, my Foxy´z!! has life been good to you? More poignant question...Have you been good to yourself? We are halfway thru the year already, and I am curious about your resolution updates. I know many of us prefer not to make resolutions, because it sets us up for possible failure. But for true Dreamers like myself, we are always reaching for higher, better and further goals than where we are at the moment, no matter how delusional they may appear to be. In January I started my new journey as a Soft Black Woman.
I chose to no longer subscribe to the "Strong Black Woman" persona that was casted upon Black Women. I can attest that Malcom X was not lying when he called us the least protected and respected group in civil society. The American government systematically set up against Blacks since the civil rights movement. Back in the day, Black people had to sit in the back of the bus. And if there were no seats left for whites, Black people had to give up their seats. Fast forward to today...The Crown Act was passed only Last Year, that allow minorities to wear their natural hair at work. And not all states have agreed to pass this law. The police killings of back men, and the Black on Black crime that black men engage in, has left Black women to defend themselves.
We have to constantly prove our worth, in order to receive the respect owed to us. we have been mocked for out style, looks, persona.....and copied at the same time. But i digress. Earlier this year i decided to switch to the soft life. I hit a few kinks at first, but i quickly got the hang of it. Being a self- employed, ambitious, dreamer with the Moxie of a Drakania made the adjustment quite easy But it also made me hard in certain ways....
Work Life. If an organiser isn´t able to provide what has been promised from their company, I now cancel my show...with no deposit in return. Or I make the show shorter. It´s my choice. Days before each show, I send my tech rider to the company organising the event. They also tell me what they want me to deliver at the show. However, many times organisers don´t tell me that they can´t fufill all of their promises, until I am at the venue. They assume, I will just perform my best, for the sake of the audience. It´s usually true. But no longer. I am NOT a doctor, soldier, nor an Avenger. My job isn´t to carry the burden of those who can´t deliver. It´s not my job to provide a service under unjust conditions. I am not a necessity, I AM A LUXURY ITEM. They are no longer allowed to request luxury services, with a basic budget and attitude.
Personal Life. I have NEVER felt comfortable asking for help from loved ones....especially my Bae. As a Black woman, you don´t want to appear lazy, a burden, incapable, unworthy of respect, and so on. Bae is aware how i feel. He is constantly asking if i need anything. I say no often, especially when I know he´s going thru a tough time. But even in those times, he still wants to carry me. Oh goodness, my eyes are getting a little watery just writing this sentence. I´ve never had this before in my life. I always made sure i was able to give back to that person...or always be the one giving....so i can say "You see? I am valuable. I am not a burden." But he´s taught me that it´s okay if i want something...i can ask. And what he want in return is Love. WTF is that??? I heard that kind of relationship existed...but HUH?? For me??? And it´s not something that i had to earn. His undeserved kindness had no requirements. And it has given me the confidence to ask for what i want in all aspects of my life.
Myself Life. The soft life has caused me to hold myself more accountable to me. I am always preaching "Self Care"....but the soft life has shown me that it´s time to take it to another level. Being inconsistent shows a lack of self discipline. I was okay with excuses over acceleration; Pause over Progress, Crap over Consistency. I didn´t realise I wasnt respecting myself by not following thru with promises I made. And how can I expect others to respect me, if i don´t do it. I thought being soft mean giving myself excuses when i didnt feel like doing what was required. But it caused me to question my value. I am not very proud of myself when i havent given my all. What makes life worth living is being able to look back on my day and say "Job well done, Karmen." With my soft life, I have become consistent in my fitness progression, Ive cut out alcohol to two glasses on the weekend, and less social media scrolling. On my days off, i no longer think of unfinished errands, goals for the next day...and so on.
In conclusion, Living a soft life has been an incredible journey. I no longer feel the need to prove my worth, nor do I live in constant panic. I feel safe, loved and accepted by myself and others. I don't feel the need to work overtime to prove my value, and my self-esteem has been boosted as a result. Ive also noticed, the more my heart is filled...the more I am willing to give of my soft, heart. All of Your suppost and love for me is apart of my healing process, of course, my dear friends.
The soft life has also released my creative juices as my thinking is no longer limited. I have faith in my abilities and know that I have what it takes to walk through any door. Half way thru that year...and life is good Foxy´z!