Ive always needed distractions around me. When I was younger, noise meant I was safe. It meant no one was going to try and harm me while i was sleeping. When I was homeless, it meant there were people around to hear me scream. At present, I keep my television on while i am sleeping. It drowns out bad memories disguised as nightmares. I knew i needed a change. I wanted to be able to sit alone with myself, and be okay with it. No distractions. So I dove into the world of meditation. And I hated it. But I persisted. Everyday after the treadmill, I meditate.
After a few weeks, there was noticable progress in my quality of life. I now have this inner "quietness". I have more patience with myself, and the stupid people that surround me daily. And I feel a sense of self- assurance and lightness.
The best way I could describe it is like playing a virtual games. I am wearing a headset, So my mind is reacting to what the game is feeding it. My mind has its own reality. It believes and reacts to whatever I feed it, without judgement. Even if the information is false, it will react to what I believe to be true. If someone scares me with a fake bear suit, I would react because i believed the bear was real. But I digress.
I felt peace, sitting in my dark mind. Real peace. The ability to do that has shown me a power that I didnt know existed. I ALONE decide what enters my mind. Even in the darkest of despair, I now own the techniques to pure Zen. The fact that I unknowingly had this power all my life makes me curious about what other fascinating things I dont know about myself.