"Does anyone else scroll through family-reuniting videos, and make yourself sad? Or am i the only Masochist? It's just me? Yah. That's what I thought..." is the statement I wrote on my facebook page earlier this week.
I don't do it on purpose. Algorithm is a an evil, sneaky little trinket. It reads your likes and dislikes , then leads you down a rabbit hole of addictive videos, ads, and posts. Even though I consciously make an effort to not get sucked in, often times I fail. Next thing I know, my eyes are filled with tears of envy, happiness, and sadness as I watch endless videos of family members reuniting. I know it will never be me. And I always kick myself for constantly watching those videos. I labeled myself a masochist; a drama queen that loves chaos in my heart. An Eeyore; I am not happy, unless I am sad. But then a fellow cult-survivor responded to my post, that changed my entire perspective. She said, "I watch them often . It gives me a hope of "someday it will be me..."
What a relief I felt to know someone else understood what I was going through. But most of all, I was thankful for a different perspective. I am not a Masochist, but I am Dreamer. I have always been a Dreamer. My "hope for better days" is what has always kept me going. And she was right...I too watched those videos for that "someday" feeling. I was suffering from Maybe-ism. Not Masochism. Though I know for damn sure that my family will never reunite with me....the Dreamer side of me keeps a tiny spec of hope living within my heart. It also made me realize I was still being too hard on myself.
I thought I had conquered the inner-negative-self deprecating voice, that was nourished so well as a cult member. I instantly labeled myself as a Masochists, instead of understanding that it was just the Dreamer in me doing what is normal....dreaming and hoping. It just goes to prove that healing isn't lineage. It's a lifetime process. And I need to be careful of being so self critical. THATS WHY SELF CARE IS SO VITAL. Having a regular habit of doting on myself reminds me to be gentle with my soul. Handle myself with care. So, from now on, when I see those videos I won't be so critical of my feelings.
Are You Too Critical of Yourself?
0%Yes
0%No
0%I am not sure