my top five birthday changes

Shapeshifter, Global Drifter.

Famzii, thank you for all of my birthday wishes! They meant so much to me. Y'all know the last few weeks before my birthday were some of the toughest days to survive since I left the cult. Whew! I was literally on my knees crawling through broken glass. I am NOT one of those people who feel like I need to go through hell in order to become a better person or learn a life lesson. I have NEVER had to eat rotten food in order to appreciate good food. There are so many other ways to learn life lessons besides going through hell. Regardless, the experience has made me change:

1. I like my men just like my whiskey—STRONG AND GONE. BY. MORNING.

   My type is VERY rare: Never been pregnant, self-employed, in shape, highly independent, globetrotter; well-read; very low body count; and talented. That spells "catnip" to men. But I've learned that a relationship has ZERO need to be in my space, at this point. Relationships require compromising, forgiveness, patience, and growth through heartache. I've never been a relationship-type girl. But I gave it a shot, and it was a hit and a miss. I think men are awesome, but I have no need to keep one in my space ALL THE DAMN TIME.

2. My house is MY sanctuary. I don't like other people visiting my home. The rest of the world is a game. I am always wearing some type of hat as I navigate through it. I enjoy it very much. But my home is a place where I don't have to wear any hats. That includes my time. Me being "free" does not mean I must use it to respond to texts and phone calls. It's not a mean-girl thing. But I have ZERO help in this world. It's me, myself, and I—so those are the three people that are allowed my free time and sanctuary.

3. I am in my Villain Era. If I did it, I meant it. But is it really villainous when it comes to revenge? I ALWAYS try to clarify things before striking back, because misunderstandings happen, and people make mistakes. But a pattern spells disrespect. And real villains rely on good people to stick to their morals. They expect you to be a weak person with strong morals. But I am a Gemini—and I have the ability to switch to a strong person with weak morals as I reside fully in my Villain Era.

4. No new friends, unless we are talking finance. The "Sex and the City" sector of my life is alive and thriving. (Who else is the Samantha in their crew, like me?) I am always open for new friends with positive qualities. A girl can never have enough good friends. But if one of those qualities doesn't include swapping business ideas, building empires, or growing our bags—I don't think our friendship will last that long. Ambition.

5. I no longer act loyally. I act accordingly. I used to see friendships like bank accounts. The more good points someone deposits in our friendship account, the more I am willing to overlook red flags, and give chance after chance. And show loyalty until the death of me, because of the goodness a person has shown in the past. That type of loyalty from me has gone bankrupt, which has put some relationships in foreclosure.

   
   

These changes were a process that has happened over time. I must say I am a happier and freer person because of them. For a while, I fought tooth and nail against the changes. But that only left me with a bad smile and ruined manicures. I was afraid of it changing the kid-at-heart vibe I have. But I actually feel younger than I have ever been. I have created a playground for Kid-Karmen to play without being hurt. And I no longer force her to share her toys. These ways are the best gifts I have given myself, thus far. Happy Birthday, Moxie.