It takes a conscious effort for me not to awake the dragon within, especially when revenge is justified. And the latest changes within the cult is testing my ability to not live in the past. I have heard the best Revenge is living your best life. I feel it's partially true. If I was given a chance to cast retribution to those who ruined my earlier life...I ABSOLUTELY would.
Anger resides within me, and she's a powerful dragon. A merciless heart pumps liquid ice through her powerful body. I can't tame her, I can only retain her. She dreams of vengeance, and I don't blame her. But to release her would bring damage to the present life I have created. I have fooled myself a few times into thinking I can control her, only to be blinded by her fiery breath. Next thing I know, everything in her path is practically destroyed. Her weakness is her inability to decipher between good relationships and situations, versus enemies. It's only when the smoke subsides that I am able to see the innocent casualties of her wrath. I have no desire to rebuild nor sacrifice, in the name of Justified retaliation. So she sleeps in peaceful slumber, until now.....
There's been changes within the cult that I escaped, and it's threatening to awaken Drakania from her blissful rest. As of this year, the cult has passed a creed that allow members to speak to excommunicated members. Of course, there's a catch. Communication is allowed if the ex- member attends the Kingdom Hal meetings. When I was younger, my brother was excommunicated for stealing candy at the local convenient store. My father put his head through a wall at home, and then gave him a beating with an extension cord. A couple of weeks later, he was kicked out the cult. He was a teenager (with schizophrenia), so he still had to attend the Kingdom Hall meetings with the family. After the meetings were over, he had to wait in car, while the rest of the family socialized with the congregation. Nobody spoke to him. The worse part was I felt No sympathy for him. I felt I was "better" than him. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about how I mistreated him and others.
Though this new creed only allows communication at the Kingdom Hall, it's better than nothing. It's more dignified than ignoring ex-members who attend the meetings (members who have been excommunicated must attend meetings, as a sign of their repentance, until the elders say they are a member again). It would have been better than watching my brother walk out the Kingdom Hall, as members haughtily turned their head away. Another change they made is that Kids under 18 will no longer be excommunicated. They made the change because Norway no longer considers Jehovah's Witness a religion, due to excommunicating kids from the cult. Norway recognizes the irreversible damage this type of trauma can cause a child. In turn, they are not qualified from tax exemptions. So the cult is changing their policy, because they don't want to loose their tax exemption.
Granted, their new policy does not allow carte blanche communication. It's only allowed within the realm of their self-righteous, perverted "spiritual" bullsh*t. But the ability for a child to communicate with their family is invaluable. And I would have attended their bogus meetings sometimes, just to be able to speak to my loved ones. People pretend to believe in Santa Clause, to make their kids happy. I would have been willing to pretend to care about their cult to make them happy. But then again, their love for me wouldve still been conditional. Is that better than nothing? That's a debate that endlessly keeps me switching my answer.
Living most of my adult life with no community has caused irreparable damage. As a cult member, you lack the social skills to adopt to the outside world. Years of lonely nights with only my tears to keep me company; suicidal attempts; bulimia; toxic, abusive relationships; therapy; depression; complex trauma...the list goes on. And it all couldve been avoided if my parents didnt allow the cult to ruin us. And Now they are changing their policy once the damage is done????
Calm thyself, Drakania.
Do You Believe In God?
Yes
No
I don't know
More people have died in the name of an imaginary deity than in all the wars combined! More women have been raped and murdered all in the name of an imaginary deity that were spared. More colored have been raped, abused , staved , murdered and exploited I. The name of the imaginary deity some call god than all the children in orphanages combined!
Rape Incest Abuse , Control & Murder are the tools of the imaginary deity know as God!